Archive for June, 2007

Out of the Cyberspace

Some events that happen in reality suspend my need to share in cyberspace. Visit after some time, things may change but today I don’t know when will it be so. Life is awsome. Be happy.

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Motionless

skullcrystal.jpgQuite a peculiar day with strong winds and changing temperature put me in a completely non acting mood in which even the slightest movement made me tired. Thankfully I still have some reading I enjoy a lot. Otherwise I’d probably submerge in some kind of depression caused by lack of own productivity. Constant doing things seems to be characteristic for our culture. Plenty of work, traveling on free days, hundreds of weekend duties and pressure against being lazy seems to reign in the run forward. Chaotic run, based on self destruction, since not many of jobs and things people do have sense and reason from internal developement, innerpeace, self discipline or at last ecological points of view. Yet invisible pressure to run makes people way they are. No wonder that it is so easy to hypnotize tired population once home and turns the TV on. No wonder that dreams are uniformed and every unique thought its suffocated, once not baring participation in that hypnotic dance. Day spent on reaching internal silence is considered antisocial and requires strong will to be planned, after previous, willful participation in general madness. Even family finds such activity a lazy, wasted time. Despite it I decided to exercise non-acting. It is one of most interesting activities in Castaneda’s books. Allows to stay put and conscious while not doing nor supporting any kind of activity, that destroys Earth by its abstractive goals. It has nothing to do with lack of movement, passed out mind, being numb or thumped. Full of concentration on the present it strengthens will, self-confidence, saves personal energy and allows to distance self from absurd of local culture through gaining distance to reception of lower emotions. Similarily to meditation removes external stimulus and allows humility and patience to manifest while walking on.

Ant Hive

I’ve experienced quite a new feeling yesterday. Actually feeling was old I just have forgotten about it not being inside the common building for more than a decade. Sense was immense. Anonymous corridors leading to little flats are dark and dirty. Flats themselves are very small and acoustics among neighbors big enough never to be alone, yet left all the time. Overwhelming suffocation was my first sensation there. Growing up, while calling such building “home sweet home” must be a challenge. Reasons why people do not respect each others privacy became more understandable, simply their definition of what’s private lies on much lower level. I also gained respect to those who are capable of protecting own dignity while exposed to such environment without any visible perspectives of change. Majority seems quite material and attached to poverty through attachment to things and not seeing greater goals. Minority is just like those Japanese Zen masters who found themselves challenged in finding inner peace in the ways that allow them to meditate on the highway. Good spot to learn humility and acceptance of own place on Earth for sure. There is no other greatness after all.

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Falowiec in Gdańsk – 850 meters of 1700 tiny flats accessed from galleries that allow to look through the windows into neighbor appartment. Real oxymoron of public anonymity.

Rest seem to me to be lost in distracting each other with existing. Hearing each other is unavoidable in such place, unless internal dialogue is trained to remove such information and stay put. Magnitude of teenagers in sport clothes, who train drinking and swearing, expresses depression of many who know no other way out for consciousness. Such can be found only through the journey within self without help of mind altering substances. Different style than a wealthy American suburb but sadness is the same. I used to call folks like those zombies before, but there was the denial of right to live in this expression. Ants would be more appropriate, especially that some of them have wings and capabilities to make their own hives that are much brighter and happier. Such perspective also authorizes reasons to live for my own particle consciousness being only a part of divine stream. Holds hope that ants will build new hives, not necessarily similar to those we have today, however considering overpopulation it is also hard to imagine that the new ones will be better. On the other hand global warming may solve that problem, easily providing few survivors with quite a luxurious housing. If the mankind runs to self destruction maybe its not ready to appreciate the natural balance and Earth that hosts it. But seeing anonymous heroes, who despite the obstacles of age or living circumstances learn and survive with love held within hearts I can’t help myself thinking otherwise.

Crowd

Crowd is an experience. There were more than fifty thousand people attending yesterdays concert. I walked towards the stage until I realized that I’m tightly surrounded by people and I can move only with the streams created by those who walk. My plans to see Leningrad Cowboys on stage transformed into leaving that place. I’m not the big fan of them, I appreciate their remake of Modern Talking hit “You’re my heart, you’re my soul” so seeing them once they are around seemed to be good idea. Crowd was so dense, that there were even traffic jams and I had to stand and wait for passage until possible. I also couldn’t avoid few little jostles. I’m not fond of such situations in particular, enjoying good old meter of personal space between fellow human beings but seeing some adjusted to such situation was challenging. Imagine the group of Russians in the middle of dispute not paying attention and their condition at all. Since they were static I suddenly walked on one of them. Before I started to excuse I realized that although I pushed him a bit and helped myself stopping with hands on his arms, he haven’t even noticed me, still explaining something to his friends. That’s what I call “I don’t have to understand everything” posture. Following his example I walked lost in the ocean of people. Present but entirely invisible. Faces flowing before me were all indifferent, soon I saw major and minor flows of movements as well as shortcuts between them and ways out. Walk through that labyrinth was fun experience, sense of many so indifferent and flowing one into another had no similarity with experiencing contact between two human beings at all. Very blue.
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When I reached Old Town crowd became less dense but still big enough to use the laws of stalking. I’ve noticed folks leaving the yard and I walked through their gate, hoping it to be to the walk though yard. It wasn’t but it met a Little Local Gestapo Man instead. Before I even realized that the gate was the door bell kind and that there is no way through, I was already severely, verbally abused by the tall thin man with a too big beard and a dog. Dog was nice, looked at me peacefully and apologetically waged his tail few times. I don’t remember exactly what bad side of self he saw in me, I only sensed the waves of hatred or maybe aggression touching my space, while he was shouting. I told him that if he feels so frightened by my presence he should call the police, otherwise he should leave me in holy peace. So he left mumbling threats to me and cordial words to the dog. I also left since except for a passage I had no business there at all. After experiencing anonymous crowd such man to man communication fulfilled my eventual socializing needs for the evening with a vengeance. Events by the river paralyzed the night communication. My bus that runs every half an hour didn’t come at all so I waited an hour for it. Many people had to walk, unable to get into the bus. I got in on the first stop, so observing them from the sitting place can be called privileged. Most amazing were human jams by the doors and empty standing space deeper in the bus. At last good mood didn’t leave anyone, probably happy of not walking, ride was made more enjoyable thanks to some choir singing from football repertoire. Having a distance to all of it, remaining a witness to all noticed emotions I consider the progress of consciousness on Midsummer Eve.

Foggy borders of Perversion

up-on-the-catwalk-posters.jpgYesterday evening I decided to go and watch some old animations in the park near Old Town. I recommend this page to all living in Warsaw, every Thursday it’s listing all the free events that will take place in the city. On the seen of screening it occurred, that some TV station made a big fashion show nearby, blocking most of the space and producing such noise that animations were moved to the building. “Labyrinth” short animation inspired by secession, full of simple truths about society, I liked most. Screening was short and on my way back I took a look at the vanity fair. Almost all of the street was reserved for VIP’s, territory was separated with barriers, leaving ordinary viewers only meters on the street sides. After a minute in that crowd I realized reasons I don’t have TV and moved ahead reaching their backstage area. I stopped there for a moment having a chance to actually see the designs, maybe not on the catwalk but at least close enough. While observing girls and their clothes on the way between changing tent and the catwalk I noticed security guard leaning against barrier few meters before me. He seemed to be perfectly concentrated on looking in one direction, so I came closer to see what’s so interesting as well. Interesting was the changing tent. With one wall half open it showed all the models quickly changing from one creation to another. Plenty of perfect breasts and nice bodies. I only had time to notice that fact, when he turned towards me and ordered me to leave, calling me pervert. Now I know how does the border between being pervert and sexual looks like. It’s a metal barrier in the middle of the street. On one side looking at naked women is perfectly normal guarding job and the other, full of sinful deviants side, it’s the most dangerous activity that threatens our society and family values. I went forward. Other interpretation would have to establish that the hardworking man was simply jealous but… it cannot be truth. Our civilization is too perfect for such irresponsible assumptions.

I plan to walk through the city and observe the events tonight too. City is organizing Saturday Night of Garlands. Old, connected with solistice, slavic tradition says, that girl who drops the garland with the candle in the river that night, will be married by a boy who finds it. They will probably have a church wedding.

University of Spiritual Life

People do not respect their bodies so much that it is almost hard to believe that other things may be more important. Sleeping until awake, without a clock, time for peaceful breakfast and continuing with Castaneda marks the return of peaceful physical rhythm. I’ve been thinking recently about studies, six years spent on universities and what it gave me. It was good training for mind but mind only. When I observe my friends from university I see the dream they live in, ways they are governed by system and their minds, I can only be glad that it was avoided. They are bold or old nowadays, all treat me as if I were a child, patronize and expose to their problems, ones I got over with years ago. They are good people but live in a hurry and with such high feeling of self importance that conversation with them basically means constant protection of that feeling from each other. It’s so boring that I prefer remaining unnoticed to them. Happy me.

It’s not to easy to get over self, synchronize divine within self with the flow of the Earth. Trap of mind, that wants to be a God is very dangerous. I recall my years of university suddenly interrupted by events that drove me off that way, year before diploma. My mind was quite almighty those days and I’m really lucky to find out the other way before my body got wasted. Taught to regret the lack of master of science paper, I can’t help myself with thinking otherwise. There is no doubt that some live better with it but we are all unique. I went there, told to finish university by the highly educated line of Moroz family, basically without any idea what and why I do it. Even the choice of linguistics was purely coincidental. Their exams started after acting school ones and that was the only school I was passionate about those days. I wanted to learn Hungarian but making it the subject of six year studies had nothing to do with such goal. Studying abroad meant living without my family. Intentions too weak to withstand the call of science, good enough to be the very important student of international exchange.

I even got interested in some lectures and ideas. I could take Korean classes there as well and they’ve showed me completely different ways of perception. I thought in three languages already, what doubtlessly helped me with understanding that description is illusion, since three thinking ways could express the same fact with accent put on other perspective of it. Question what was real arouse then for a first time. Sudden falling in love, burning bridges, moving to US happened because of that search for what’s real. Since leaving mind wherever one goes is impossible, success on finding real wasn’t complete with that deed. I would actually have time to go back and get that piece of paper, if not the Sept. 11 falling two days before my plane was supposed to take back to Europe.

My perception of perspectives was so flipped over already, that I’ve chosen more traveling and adventures, still unable to make peace within own mind. Madness that surrounded me then wasn’t much more than a 81 martial law in Poland, considering reactions of surrounding me Americans. Great idea for a book. Fall into totalitarian nightmare begun later when soldiers and Iraqis started to die on regular basis. I did a magnitude of simple jobs there and learned how to be a simple man, finally letting self out of the self importance cage. Absurd I’ve met there overcame my sense of being intelligent and cosmopolitan challenging me in dealing man to man, instead of using my middle class, intelligentsia family structures.

On the other hand, since I was probably only foreigner in this country who never pretended to be an American, my “alien” life there was resembling one in a Nazi Work Camp what I couldn’t realize until the day I’ve finished my first book and freed my concentration. Once it happened I took a walk around to find out what’s next to do and ended up in the flight ticket office. I lived plenty of years in American system and learning Europe back seemed to be greater challenge than naturalization. Europe meant more peace, but more concrete too. Shamanically speaking right man on a right place. (By the way I love the way Microsoft Word changes all “shamanic” into “satanic”. Nothing better than only one right perspective in their dictionary and no link to global warming whatsoever.)

Letting all life and not losing the mind was luckily first to graduate from. I worked in many professions since then, wrote two books, made a movie, few plays and plenty of other interesting things that made me happy, helped in finding divine, allowed to develop my passion to fight without aggression, love, be a man and be free. Gaining consciousness is a lifetime adventure and I’m glad for my awakening. Seeing good folks with their diplomas trying to lead without even a bit of knowledge about chaos they bare within selves reminds me about faith I’ve avoided. I wouldn’t mind studying again, just I can’t see anything that I’d be passionate enough for few years of honest declaration of not changing my mind. I can’t see reason so far that would let me submerge in superficiality of my culture without allowance of preserving all of my more environmental than strictly human consciousness.

Honest planning among folks who pretend that their bodies don’t exist nor their deaths do requires true words they don’t trust. Fear of dying is a big challenge. Quite understandable that many does their best to hide it behind other fears, remove it form consciousness. Living seems to make more sense without it and appearing problems have excuses in others and their not being perfect either. Since the risk of depravation even for high will is great I can’t advice anyone way I’ve taken but sometimes abandoning family, religion, finding self on the street with own hands as the only source of security and survival makes man more wise and responsible than a magnitude of studied science. Some kind of “jump into the abyss” is necessary to free self from old, taught perspective of own life. Who walks the path already never had to read it, who knows better never read so far, as for the rest I wish good luck with overcoming own mind and gaining freedom.

Boss Almighty

klaps1.gifTwo days among all kinds of filmmakers leave me in a sense of mental fulfillment and physical tiredness. Movie was cool and partnership existed, next day commercial divided surrounding folk on two kinds, those who treated me as a thing, tool of their income and those who believed to be such themselves. Introducing global economy on modest, Polish market effected with terrible slavery of honest people. Lack of illegal emigrants or colonies effected in citizens using other citizens. I had fun seeing beyond crazy masters of commercial set and shooting was interesting too. All people were supposed to be put by computer into surreal seen so we played on white background without any props. I had interesting meeting there. Person with whom we liked each other a lot, surely not a one night stand however I do not remember circumstances of meeting at all, was representing the client who ordered that commercial. Very interesting situation, two people recognizing each other, full of positive feelings towards each other and with complete lack of memory where does it come from. I had quite a trip in time. I was a crowd, agency used meat, who as I realized remains in the gray zone, since I have tax papers up from episode only, privately knowing the client almighty who pulls the strings of film crew with his wallet. Few words with him showed me where lies the illusion and where artistic freedom in that business. Place I took in twisted fan of connections also showed me the real value of this job. I accepted situation without any emotions, especially that possibility of directing film crew is what I want to know how to do. Humans do try to take advantage of others and sometimes it flips all the way around, this time crew had to listen to its lowest link, the stunt. I wasn’t good enough. Instead of being human with everybody I treated way they treat animals those, who treated me as a thing. I succeeded however without denying right to live to anybody. Shooting took half a day instead of a whole and catering saved probably nine tens on appetizers. When we were done, I left not even waiting for a dinner, with satisfaction of well done exercise no filming school can provide with. I got even paid for it. Incredibility of amount will probably drive all the tax inspectors on my head, unless its legal to earn for bread only without paying tax for it. Even if it happens in one of the most profitable branches of economy. Well, probably reason my job is where it is provides one of the reasons its profitable.

Women

abstaction.jpgWomen, women, women dear women what’s up with you. I’m more and more amazed by the lack of logic I face or represent facing your simplicity. I don’t wait for answers for one cannot know where the wind will blow. Do you react to me or remain yourself? What kind of trick does the biology makes on us? So many of you hurts instead of saying hello. Do I overcome you so deeply that none of you is able to remain yourself, peaceful, honest and without me? Or do you prefer to be perceived from such perspective? So many pretends baby, while I can see knife ready to action down your sock. On the other hand, way of climbing up to the skies, understanding situation itself, reading between the lines and sharing love is so great with You, that abandoning such inspiration seems impossible. How one can be capable to be such a hurricane of different emotions in such a short period of time? Hanging to any your perspectives of gravity, imagination based on your logic leads only to madness. Death takes us all one by one anyway. I can’t listen to you anymore. Knowing what you feel when its not about us is biologically impossible and I can’t even imagine it, while explained with words. I entirely respect that it doesn’t have to be about us. I’m not about you too often to believe otherwise. I love you all. Therefore, to love you and to remain sane I can’t do more than just talk with you about job to be done and see you for the rest of the time…

Wonderland Warsaw

I drive by Stadion X-lecia few times a week. Huge area is hardly visible from the road perspective and not having any business around doesn’t inspire to turn there, while having free time. I’ve read in the news long time ago, that since not fulfilling modern security requirements it has been shut some time in the eighties and that in the nineties market was organized there. Subject came up in local papers when Poland, together with Ukraine won the organization of Euro 2012 and market is to be closed. This is all I knew about it till today, when I actually experienced one of most surrealistic days at work ever. X-files can go to sleep and I’m sure that Dali wouldn’t mind such a trip himself.
All I knew, was that shooting will take place in the Stadion train station. It occured however, that it was only the meeting point, after which we were led by the labyrinth of Vietnamese stalls. It was noon and it seemed to be a top hour for businesses. Rush, crowd, quantity of trading goods and behavior of huckstresses made me feel like being a visitor from Mars or in more familiar to European culture places, like landing in Middle Ages after trip in time. I’ve never been before in Warsaw, in a place where majority of people wasn’t Polish. Surprise was not only exotic but stunning for modest me, born in the city I considered myself to know a bit about.
Then we reached market management building, old stadium center. Huge villa with park and soccer field before it, emerging from the stall streets is surreal itself. Built in architecture of social realism belongs to one of not many, that has remained untouched by new system. Paintings on it are quite heroic… Shooting was for a movie and we were passengers in Parisian Subway. Old tunnel, formerly leading soccer players on the field, was the seen. I walked through all of it, dark four hundred meters of it to the light at its end. Imagining players, stepping ahead to the games, emerging before thousands of feverish funs, wasn’t difficult since that’s what that tunnel was built for.

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I didn’t know that the thunderstorm began while I was exploring. When I reached the end cats and dogs were raining onto empty field surrounded by tribunes. Tribunes full of meter and a half high bushes that grew there since last match. On the top of them Asian merchants were closing their businesses. I stood there staring at this realism straight from the Buñuel movies, not sure if it isn’t just my imagination or a set itself. It wasn’t. Go and see for yourself. When I walked back to the other end, already characterized to be a subway station, shooting began shortly.
I love movies. Shooting has a freedom and purpose then, not like commercials or TV, that is always the same. Catching the flow of the crew took me few seconds and I’m glad that I could take part in this journey. I was paid a quarter of that what I’d be for the same job in commercial, but mood was worth it. I must admit that I missed bigger part and to my surprise at first not because I’d like to show up myself but because it’s so much fun to do. Not many knows how to be free all the time byt some are free there at last. I’m not alone for few seconds. Whoever reads me knows, that I’m kind of storyteller and movies is great way of telling stories nowadays.
After work I left for labyrinth of closed stalls by myself. I’ve been in Pergamon once, passing by the streets that died out ages ago. I was alone accompanied by huge lizards walking horizontally or vertically through the rumbles, so similar to tombs although I knew that those were the streets once. Today goods under the vigilant locks were suffocating in steel stalls, meanwhile wind pushing trash back and forth was my company.
I lost my orientation after two corners so I kept direction according to sky knowing that those stalls are not forever. Suddenly, I found myself on the platform. It was empty and express train passed by me with full speed. It may look quite picturesque I know, could make my day some other time but today my ability to get stunned was overloaded. I did wholeheartedly thanked Upstairs for such a pleasant closure of that creative, working part of Monday.

Falling in love Addiction

snake_love.gifI was recently translating some teachings of Sai Baba. There was known, very interesting thought among them, that presented ways of gaining freedom. He said that freedom is not possible without control over attachments of the body and divided such into two kinds. Tendency of getting attached to people or things. That made sense and helped me in understanding, why even though I treat things like a flow remaining detached to them, from time to time I need to struggle not to allow energy field of other to overcome me. Attachment to singular human beings may be my weakness, but realization of it helps growing. I understood that my need of falling in love, romantic walks, conversations, common activities and last but not least lovemaking on the altar of it, easily becomes my attachment to the partner. I stop treating all equally and therefore cease to be equal. When it happens, my body adjusts to certain frequencies and defines all other relations according to it. That can be very good but once lovemaking falls off the altar, ending on the floor of pure desire, I chose to be rather antisocial than literal in communication with others. I simply don’t feel like sharing such barnyard energy flow in the world where it gets balanced with violence. Our civilization promotes shame, putting control over sexuality and using fruits of it for own profit. That makes balanced sexual life heavy to achieve in culture, where tantra belongs to the sect threat if not only a strange myths of the East, instead of being the respectable practice. Avoiding physical dependencies with unconscious of such situation partner means twenty four hour day job, without a time for self realization. Maybe that’s why so many folks chose to pack suitcases once the birds don’t sing anymore and tend to look after other sexual object to feel good with. Other unsleeping solution would be only buying partner S/M collar as the natural consequence of prolonging present union way it develops. Tasteless, when challenge lies in experiencing more than just one perspective of living. Is it possible to love other, to be in relationship without such attachments? Definitely yes and only with someone on similar level of consciousness. Otherwise physical energy remains not balanced and causes fluctuations that create unhealthy dependencies between two, such ones, that exclude all what’s around from the union. Being the only conscious of own body and mind is not enough, if that capability of letting go before lovemaking reaches the ground is not shared. Master apprentice role-playing becomes the natural consequence of such state and relationship is not equal anymore. Only when union becomes the circumstance of the flow, not the goal of the present, it can flow in parallel, without hurting each other. I’m capable to be over one I fall in love with, but it doesn’t mean that I’m unable to share the most honest love and affection while together. Taking care of best loving I can achieve makes me complete and remains to be all what I can actually influence or control in my life. Finding other one walking similar path in those matters can’t be planned. It just happens.


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